Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What I really want for Christmas.

"What I want for Christmas."
That line always brings back to my mind images of Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” standing in front of Mrs. Shield’s desk handing in his theme. I can’t help but smile when I think of that when someone asks me “what do you want for Christmas?”
The older I get the harder it is to come up with what I want for Christmas. Years ago DVD’s were a great gift, but now I have Netflix and I’m selling most of my DVD’s for a few bucks each via E-bay. I was big on RC cars about two years ago, but that hobby too has faded and I may sell off part of my collection. I need a new camera, I want one with higher resolution but I will probably buy that myself to make sure I get to try out a demo model in the store before committing the required dollar amount.  Swim gear was a good gift last year. I was in the process of losing a lot of weight and anything to help me be a better swimmer or get a better workout in the pool was a great idea. I’m still swimming and now I’m running too, but I have just about every piece of running gear I could need, so what do I want.
I often joke with my wife when she asks this question that a new 5.0 Mustang GT would be great, or an F150 Raptor. Either of these items would be mostly practical, fun and great gifts. They’re guaranteed to make me smile when I see them and probably giggle like a 4 year old when sitting behind the wheel the first few times. Still that’s not exactly what I have in mind this Christmas.
The thing that I would love the most does not come with four wheel drive, 32 valves, 412 horsepower, or lifted suspension. It comes in a plastic sealed package and it can only be used one time.  I would love to see a pregnancy test from my wife that indicates positive.
That in and of itself might normally require very little explanation on the parts of some people but let me elaborate a little further. 11/11/11 is a day that will go down in infamy in mine and my wife’s lives. That was the day we suffered the loss of a miscarriage. While the pregnancy was only five or six weeks along the pain and tears were as real and as many as if we were holding our dying child in our arms.  In seven years of marriage I have never seen my wife so upset, and in my 32 years I have never been so physically and emotionally drained at one time, literally for the first time in my life feeling helpless, weak kneed and nauseous at the events unfolding in front of me that morning at home. Standing in the bathroom doorway that morning I broke out into a cold sweat and after a few seconds had to sit on the floor. That’s something at least for me that I’ve never experienced in my life.
This summer was the first time in our marriage we had talked seriously about the idea of starting a family. The idea had come up in the past but we’d always put it aside. The truth may have been that I was always scared of the unknown. All the typical worries that I’m sure pass into any perspective parent’s minds ran through mine. I probably all these years didn’t want to deal with those thoughts or just felt I wasn’t ready to be a father so when the idea of starting a family came up we always seemed to agree that later was better than sooner.
This summer though we made the decision that it was time to really try. To end years of birth control pills for my wife, get her doctor’s approval and start a family. My wife even went through the trouble of switching her class at work which was comprised of special needs three year olds to a class with older children so she could avoid exposure to certain infections that some of her current students carried.
My father in law did not renew his tickets to the NASCAR race at Talladega Super Speedway for April, a race my wife has attended with him every year since before I met her.  Changes were in motion everywhere for everyone. Even my outlook on certain things, hobbies, work that needed to be done to the house, my career, it had all changed. Then on that day, 11/11/11 it all seemed lost, nothing mattered, I would have moved heaven and earth, fought a thousand raging zombies of the apocalypse or signed away my earnings for the rest of my life to ease that emotional torture for my wife.
Fortunately for both Sydney and I we are resilient people. We found comfort in our faith and in talking with family and friends. We spent the afternoon of that awful day with Sydney’s parents. We went home and held each other close. We read scripture and we both prayed, we made sure to attend church that weekend. Those things gave us comfort, hope and peace.
We have made preparations to try again for that positive pregnancy test. Most of these or I should say all have been on Sydney’s part. We learned she is RH negative. This blood condition can cause a miscarriage and so she received a simple but expensive treatment to help correct this, she will receive another when she’s pregnant at I believe 28 weeks.  Other blood work has also been performed to check for any other issues or detriments, thankfully none have been found. These are all answered prayers, though I continue to pray that insurance will continue to cover this all. However because the pregnancy was so early when the miscarriage occurred no one can tell us for certain what caused it.
I look forward to this Christmas though I have to say that 8 weeks ago I was looking forward to sharing good news of another baby on the way to join the extended family. I look forward to fixing up the back bedroom in our house this spring in anticipation of a child occupying it soon. I even look forward to giving up some of my hobbies and “toys” to make more room in our lives for the little one we hope is coming next year. Maybe we’ll be fortunate and we’ll get a positive result on a pregnancy test for a happy new year, but I doubt we’ll know anything before Christmas gets here in less than two weeks.
Still though I pray, look forward even more to and hope that next Christmas I’m holding a new baby in my arms, looking at the Christmas tree and thinking about what the new year will hold for that little one, a little one with the last name Creason. Santa can’t bring me that gift, only God can and I want that precious gift more than any other I’ve wanted in my life.


  1. Donald, I can tell you that you're doing much better than me. We went through our own miscarriage in 2005 and six years later, I still can scarcely talk about it. I'm not even sure I've ever said a word about it in my blog--the same blog where I very candidly discuss the depths of suicidal depression.

    Sometimes when I'm out in public, I look at kids around the age that ours would have been (we were going to have twins) and I wonder what our children would be like today. I don't know. I don't want to fill your head with notions of permanent pain or anything discouraging.

    Rather, I do want to applaud the courage I know it took to write--and publish--something so intimate. God knows I haven't found that kind of strength so far. I hope that others who might find this post discover something helpful and healing from your words. Kudos.

  2. Thanks for sharing this. I had a miscarriage in 2011 as well, the second one. I can wholly relate to what you and your wife went through.